as I sit here thinking of our conversations, especially of late, I'm thrown into a sort of vacuum.
You see, although we're connected, we've been disconnected for so many years. And without technology we would have been even less connected.
I remember you from my Canada days....coming to your apartment, going to McDonalds or KFC then off for an ice-cream...you know, the ones dipped in melted chocolate that went crisp! We used to usually get one for the horse in the field behind the ice-cream seller....not so good for the horse!! And the time we went out in Herbie and stopped to visit the huskies....
I remember your visits to England, walking down the high street in Clifton village and you told me 'it's ok to dress like a tart as long as you don't behave like one' and also you said 'don't ever gamble or bet'! I kept to one of those!! You came to The Old Fox to meet my biker friends. I also remember our long vacation to visit you, when we first met Angie.
Many years passed when we lost touch. I think we saw each other 7 times in about 20 years. When I look back, I realise we didn't really have any real bond...my life was a world away from yours.
Then I fell pregnant with your first grandchild, and all of a sudden it was back on. You weren't that happy with me, as I wasn't married and he had been recently divorced!
Now I'm much older, and a little wiser, I think..! Yet just speaking to you you said you are a very different person than you were a few years ago...that at 81 going on 82! I wonder how many incarnations we go through whilst here on earth? It's been great having you as a kind of spiritual barometer, that we both share the same God has kept us connected. Yet I share that same faith with so many others. It just acts as a reminder that we are all connected.
None of us is going to be here for ever, with a funeral next week I say goodbye to another family member. One day it'll be your turn. 17 years with cancer is a long long inings...
I won't be there when you pass, I won't be there for your funeral, but that's ok, it's easier that way...saying goodbye is too hard you told me once when I asked why you didn't visit more often. Your life was over there, and mine over here. That's the way it's always been, and always will be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is.....you were my birth dad, and for that I thank God. The genetic code in you passed to me, and that coupled with Mums' tenacity genes and both of your good health has meant that one day, when my time has come I can say I ran the race. We all belong to God, we're His children, and parenting is a role we take on on His behalf for a time. My own children, whom I love dearly are only on loan, and I hope I do Him proud. We all have so many things happen to us, so many decisions to make, so many missed opportunities...but He forgives us our shortfalls.
And no, though we havnt really had a close relationship, we will one day, with billions of others.
 |
| SUNRISE,SUNSET |
.... so here it is...I forgive you Dad, for not being there.
Yours..(for a while) with all my love
Lizzie x
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years,
One season following another,
Laden with happiness,
And tears Sheldon Harnick (Fiddler On The Roof)
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