Unbelievable

He gathered the boys into the car and drove to the hospital. They knew she was gone, but still couldn't quite believe it.  She'd looked into her daughters' eyes, that said, please mummy, I've had enough, it's time to go. Yes my darling angel, you can go now, fly high....She decided there and then to withdraw treatment. As she went she was hugged close to her mums breast.

They walked solemnly down the busy high street. Their son being cared for at the childrens hospice. As they turned in towards the footpath the stream glittered in the dappled sunlight, inviting them to follow its course through the woodland. Marriage and the new baby had not in any way been as they had anticipated. They stopped for a moment at a fence, looking across the fields beyond. 'well', he said, I just want to know if I'm on the will yet..... Not long ago thousands of pounds to get him out of debt, and the bank account had been changed to a joint account, this was incredible! Audacious, outrageous...unbelievable.  They'd been married just about eighteen months, he'd moved in to her home with her three children, life with their newest and disabled child was about as challenging as it could get.

She stood in the queue at the checkout when the phone rang. 'you have to get home straight away, there's been a fight'. On arriving home the front door stood wide open, There was a knife sticking point down in the laminated kitchen floor, and a teenager sitting slumped, head in hands. there was bloodstains on the wall behind, and scratches and red welts on his torso and arms. His dad had run out the door and no-one knew his whereabouts. He'd been angry that his son didn't want to come to the family meal!

On her way back to the car and the phone rang...not for the first time in that hour! 'Mum, there's been a fight.'  The police were called and statement given, but no prosecution. He received victim support and had his hand strapped for weeks. His son said he's goaded his step brother.

The nightshifts were the worst. Trying to get to sleep whilst the other takes first watch is hard when you're stressed. She got out of bed and stepped through onto the landing, and heard the tv being switched on and off from mute to volume. Creeping down the stairs she peered round the corner, and to her dismay saw moving images of naked girls reflected on the framed pictures hanging on the walls of the lounge. He was obviously aroused. Her stomach lurched and she crept back up to bed on shaking legs. The discussion was for tomorrow, with the denial and protestations of unforgiveness meted onto him. It wasn't the first time, and probably wasn't the last.

The single mum of four emerged from the courtroom into the cavernous hall outside, she was shaking. Her daughter, as well as the friend had been sexually abused by a family friend a couple of years ago, but it never got less painful. Having a child who has survived cancer and the treatment, resulting in many addititional clinical needs and major disability from brain damage can sometimes take your eye off the ball, and you can so easily feel to blame when something goes wrong.




Life is what we make it........but often it's what others in our lives make it.
Sometimes things happen that make you wonder, not wonder but wonder.
Sometimes it just seems unbelievable.





NOTE: As a parent of a disabled child, who has met others in similar circumstances,I have pulled on collective experiences to create a picture of the obsurdity and adversity of life in all it's colours...the bright and the dull blend to weave a tapestry of life,into which we are all in some way interwoven. In our humanity we carry on.....the stresses and strains of life constantly reminding us that hurting is par for the course. 

In the beginning...

As she stood in the kitchen, pint of beer in hand laughing and eyes wide in disbelief,  "no way,pull the other one its got bells on"! Seriously, was his reply, look I'll show you my driving licence......
he was older,had shoulder length unkempt ginger hair,and was slugging from a bottle of beer. The driving licence indeed said Rev. on it!

And so began the gradual revelation.

A year or so later after hearing a story tape of Noahs Ark being played for the children in the car, she had a heated argument with Dad.... Then after looking up the account of Noahs Ark in Dads bible,had gone to bed. Now, as she tossed and turned on top of the bedclothes, wrestling with the words in her head, she mumbled outloud.."OK,I'll do it......but please don't test me by using my family".. It has to be the worst 'sinners prayer' ever!! The rest of the night went by peacefully.

On return to the uk, a decision was made to attend a local methodist church. The heated debate on the porch with the Jehovas Witnesses, and occasional attendance at the anglican 'pram service' had given a taste of two versions of religion,  so methodism seemed worth a try!

Moving on,a good few months later whilst preparing the building for morning service, she could hear the  60 year old Local Preacher who was praying around the building, speaking what seemed a cross between another language and babble! Apparently it was called, tongues.

As she was pulled up from under the water it seemed as though everything around was crystal clear. A feeling of euphoric peace,tinged with excitement caused tears to well up.

The following year at a Soul Survivor event, the children had been dropped off at thier relevant age group activities and the young people had not yet arrived at the youth tent. Looking up into the 'roofspace' of the tent there was a static electricity in the atmosphere and hovering both above and on the metal pole 'joists' were ethereal people who appeared neither male or female,ageless yet both tiny and some extremely tall. They were talking to each other,their faces bright with excitement and expectancy. To see humans worshipping was going to be so amazing!

Sept 11th 2001, with her husband now living with her ex bestfriend,the house could be used for a prayer meeting,  and so it was that as she celebrated going from 40-41 years old,there would be 24hrs of prayer. Starting the 11th and ending the 12th. Intercession had started,someone already in there deep in prayer. Going to make coffees the tv was turned on...... a plane had crashed into The World Trade Centre....the prayers now had even more to focus on.

PEACE

As I sit here at my table, looking out at the pink and orange sky silhouetteing  the church steeple and the towans, I'm at peace.

I don't know why, I just am.

It's been a strange month, the month that was.....as we careened around being knocked this way and that by our circumstances and by the circumstances of our offspring. 

Life is full of twists and turns.  One minute heading this way, the next heading in another direction. It's no wonder then,that we have accidents on the way!

I sometimes feel envious of those who appear to have an easy life....yet sometimes I wouldn't change a thing in my difficult journey. 

After all..at least I can say 'after all' instead of 'after some'!

Yesterday......

..........glimpses of the past

The steam rose from her silhouette on the tarmac, the sound of excited squeals coming from the poolside.. she ran up to the apartment just as the buzzer went. Her mum spoke into it and then rushed down and outside to fetch the copper headed girl who had sneaked into the pool with another family. Only accompanied children could go in.....she had been accompanied...just not by HER family!.....

They drew up outside of a house with a huge yard, a dozen huskies were milling about in the snow. They got out and were invited in through the gates. The steam from the dogs' breath, and the smell of wet hay filled the air. Damp clean animal fur always smells of wet hay.....

The creek was glittering in the sunshine as it babbled contently winding its way through the woods and fields. The smell of steaks being barbecued, and sounds of laughter filled the air.  The tallest girl quietly approached her sleeping father and she proceeded to drop a t-shirt full of garter snakes all over him. He jumped up with a shriek! The girls ran!!!.......

As they walked down the bank, treading carefully to avoid slipping down the slope in the snow, they reached the icy creek. They heard the others following, then running. She was pushed from behind and hit the ice with her head, her sister had slipped into the water below a crack in the ice. The others ran off. Her mum put her into a warm bath to prevent or treat frostbite, whilst holding a cloth to the gash in the other ones head.

The roar of the BOEING 747 engines dulled as they reached the higher altitude. Sister on one side and big Ted the other. The stewardess asked if they wanted to hand out chewing sweets to passengers after they'd visited the captain in the cockpit. As they filed out of the airport they saw two women, mum was one, waiting for them. The air in Britain seemed different, the towns were different.

As she tried to find a place in the playground that was quiet she was relentlessly pursued by children who wanted her to 'talk'. they were intrigued by the accent. The bullying started but didn't stop here, following her to secondary school too. This school was even more terrifying. Nearly every pupil was black, mixed or Asian. There had been no ethnic diversity in Canada or junior school.

As I unlocked the front door, my sister came in from out front. We ran up the stairs to our flat and more importantly,the kitchen, where we scavenged for something to eat. Mum wouldn't be home until 7, so we had time to do as we pleased. My friend, who'd come home with us had, unbeknownst to us locked the front door and thrown the key away. Her mum had her climb out of the upstairs window onto her shoulders and took her home. Mum didn't have a spare key, so after returning from work to discover she was locked out and us in, had to call a locksmith to change the locks.

During all of these and the next few years I had no clue as to what sort of things were happening to my younger sister.

She'd been abused by the paper boy in the cellars-(he was learning disabled, they called him a retard), was being groomed and groped by a man 10 doors down, and my friends' dad across the road, and even a supply teacher from our secondary school 'befriended' her and took loads of pictures.

It sometimes feels as though I lived a whole different life from her.

As time went on she was to suffer more abuse at the hands of men. A young man 'kidnapped' her taking her to a building site and under threat from a knife she had to perform orally to arouse him.....a boyfriend  a few years later damaged her reproductive parts, years later she was sexually assaulted by three men when she went to the off license to buy some cigarettes at night, and she went on to have a relationship with a dominator before living a short time on her own.

She now, once again lives on her own. Dealing with years of abuse, addiction, phobias, fear and subsequently pain from a chronic case of pancreatitis, she now lives from one dose of medication to the next. Her main comforts are the television and a grey parrot with whom she has a love-hate relationship.

I love her dearly

XXX

Past, Present, Possibility

A young skinny,straggly haired girl sits in a treetop reading. Nobody knows she's there,its better that way as among others she always feels alone anyway. She enjoys being alone. The peaceful escape into a book is brief respite in a world of bullying.

A few years on.....the sun rises spreading its warm glow across the grassy slope, lighting up the faces of all present as they gather around the barbecue. The smell of food and noise of inflating hot-air balloons accompanied by music eminating from the wind-up gramophone mix together and fill the senses. It was an early start,but worth it!

At 18,she looks out of the window to see the gloom of another rainy day. Her head banging from the overindulgence of the night before, she drags herself into the bathroom, gets washed,dressed and out of the house in 20 minutes. As she walks to the bus stop she hears the padding of doggy paws and turns to see her dog's following, a trail of blood coming from an underbelly gash causes panic and disbelief in equal measure.

The young woman opened the front door of her new house. She is excited but also a little afraid.  Embarking on this new chapter into proper adulthood is daunting in all its no holds barred freedom. As time moves on she spends more time in Essex than Stafford.  Drawn by the promise of love and security. A strong,self assured woman, travelling the length and bread of the UK. Enjoying the open road, the responsibility her job requires and the irresponsibility of the life of a young childless woman.

30. Her belly bump is still quite petite, but no mistaking the nearing of babys soon arrival! Its still quiet as her step-son isn't back yet. The sun streaming in accross the kitchen gives a sense of wellbeing.  Everything will be OK.....won't it?

As she struggles to breath and push him off she slides off the bed, grabs the phone and dials 99...and then he pulls the phone cord out of the socket. The moment is defused,the power struggle replaced by an adrenaline rush that propels her down the stairs into the kitchen where the phone is ringing. Its the police wanting to know if everything was ok. Its not the first time,and won't be the last.

2003, early spring. The rain is lashing down, the motorway awash as she continues South. The first viewing is in two hours. Moving away seems the best answer. The friend and confidante forced his way into her affections, then beyond, way beyond, a step too far....bruising her thighs and breaking her trust. To get away from the present and into the future seems to be to move so far away.... A new way of life,new friends,new opportunities.

2006, she sat crying holding her slightly rounded belly. They'd said incompatible with life,  time to think, terminate, lethal. Those arent words you expect when you're expecting. Crying out to God, WHY?

Seasoned, tired, experienced, mature, really? Do the ravages of life on earth ever stop?

I watch the sun setting from 'The Lighthouse' at Little Harbour. The warm glow promising a tomorrow that is inviting me to smile. A corresponding warm glow inside, and a heart full of hope, peace, acceptance.

What will tomorrow bring? Who knows? I survived and even thrived my yesterdays. Today brings troubles of its own, and peace, of sorts. But tomorrow....., well its a kindness that we don't know.

Each day a gift, some gifts are disguised and can take years to understand,  but we will understand. One day.